What Are the Five Love Languages?
If you've ever felt like you and your partner are speaking different languages when it comes to showing love, you're not alone. Dr. Gary Chapman's concept of the Five Love Languages explains why we sometimes miss each other's attempts at showing affection—and more importantly, how to bridge that gap.
Understanding your love language and your partner's before getting married is one of the most valuable things you can do for your relationship. It helps you communicate love in ways that truly resonate, prevents misunderstandings, and builds a stronger emotional connection.
The Five Love Languages Explained
Everyone gives and receives love differently. Here are the five primary love languages:
1. Words of Affirmation
For people whose primary love language is words of affirmation, verbal expressions of love and appreciation mean everything. They thrive on:
- "I love you" and other verbal expressions of affection
- Compliments and praise
- Encouraging words during difficult times
- Written notes, texts, or letters expressing love
- Public acknowledgment of their efforts and achievements
What hurts them most: Criticism, harsh words, or lack of verbal appreciation. Silence or dismissive comments can feel like rejection.
2. Quality Time
If quality time is your love language, nothing says "I love you" like undivided attention. This means:
- Focused, uninterrupted time together
- Deep conversations without distractions
- Shared activities and experiences
- Being fully present (not scrolling on your phone)
- Making your partner a priority in your schedule
What hurts them most: Cancelled plans, distractions during time together, or feeling like they're not a priority in your life.
3. Receiving Gifts
For those who speak this love language, gifts are tangible symbols of love and thoughtfulness. It's not about materialism—it's about the thought and effort behind the gift:
- Thoughtful presents that show you were thinking of them
- Surprise gifts "just because"
- Remembering special occasions
- The effort put into choosing something meaningful
- Handmade or personalised items that show care
What hurts them most: Forgotten birthdays or anniversaries, thoughtless gifts, or the absence of physical tokens of affection.
4. Acts of Service
If acts of service is your love language, actions speak louder than words. You feel most loved when your partner:
- Does chores or tasks to lighten your load
- Helps with projects or responsibilities
- Anticipates your needs and acts on them
- Makes your life easier through thoughtful actions
- Follows through on promises and commitments
What hurts them most: Laziness, broken commitments, or creating more work for them. Making them do everything feels like a lack of love.
5. Physical Touch
For people whose primary love language is physical touch, nothing communicates love more clearly than appropriate physical contact:
- Hugs, kisses, and cuddling
- Holding hands in public
- A reassuring touch on the shoulder
- Physical intimacy and closeness
- Sitting close together
What hurts them most: Physical neglect, lack of affection, or pulling away during difficult times.
Why Understanding Love Languages Matters Before Marriage
Knowing your love languages before you get married is crucial for several reasons:
It Prevents Misunderstandings
Imagine you're working extra hours to save money for your future together (acts of service), but your partner feels neglected because you're not spending time with them (quality time). You're both trying to show love, but you're missing each other completely. Understanding love languages helps you recognise when your partner is showing love in their way, even if it's not your preferred way.
It Helps You Love Intentionally
Once you know your partner's love language, you can make deliberate efforts to speak it. If your partner's love language is words of affirmation but yours is acts of service, you'll know to verbally express your love more often, even if it doesn't come naturally to you.
It Reduces Resentment
When you feel like you're constantly showing love but your partner doesn't seem to notice or appreciate it, resentment can build. Understanding that you might be speaking different love languages helps you adjust your approach and feel more connected.
It Strengthens Your Bond During Wedding Planning
Wedding planning can be stressful! Knowing how to support each other through the process—whether that's through encouraging words, quality planning time together, or taking tasks off each other's plates—makes the journey more enjoyable.
How to Discover Your Love Language
Here's how to figure out your primary love language and your partner's:
Take the Quiz
The official Five Love Languages quiz is available online and takes just a few minutes. Both you and your partner should take it separately, then discuss your results together.
Reflect on What You Request Most
What do you ask for most often from your partner? If you're always asking them to spend time with you, quality time is likely your love language. If you frequently ask for help with tasks, it might be acts of service.
Notice What You Complain About
Your complaints often reveal your love language. "We never spend time together" suggests quality time. "You never help me with anything" points to acts of service. "You never say you love me" indicates words of affirmation.
Consider How You Express Love
We often give love in the way we want to receive it. If you're always buying thoughtful gifts, receiving gifts might be your love language. If you're constantly doing things for your partner, acts of service could be yours.
Putting Love Languages Into Practice
Once you know each other's love languages, here's how to use that knowledge:
Speak Your Partner's Language Daily
Make small, consistent efforts to show love in your partner's primary language. If it's words of affirmation, send a loving text each day. If it's quality time, have a daily check-in without phones. Small gestures add up.
Go Big on Special Occasions
For birthdays, anniversaries, and other special moments, really lean into your partner's love language. If they value gifts, put extra thought into a meaningful present. If they value quality time, plan a special day together.
Communicate Your Needs
Don't expect your partner to read your mind. If you need words of affirmation, tell them. If you need quality time, ask for it. Being direct about your needs isn't unromantic—it's healthy communication.
Document Your Journey
As you learn to speak each other's love languages, document what works and what doesn't. Use your little white book wedding planner to record your love languages in the 'our love story' section, along with specific ways you each like to receive love. This becomes a valuable reference throughout your marriage.
Revisit Regularly
Your love language can shift over time or in different seasons of life. Use the anniversary journal section in your wedding planner to check in each year about whether your love languages have changed and how well you're meeting each other's needs.
Common Love Language Combinations
It's rare for couples to have the exact same love language. Here are some common combinations and tips for navigating them:
Words of Affirmation + Acts of Service
One partner needs to hear "I love you," while the other needs to see it through actions. The key is balance—do the dishes AND tell them you appreciate them.
Quality Time + Physical Touch
These often go hand-in-hand. Combine them by having focused time together that includes physical closeness—cuddling while watching a movie, holding hands during a walk.
Receiving Gifts + Quality Time
The gift-giver should focus on experiences rather than just objects—concert tickets, a weekend getaway, or a cooking class you can do together.
Acts of Service + Physical Touch
Show love through helpful actions, but don't forget physical affection. Do the laundry AND give them a hug. Cook dinner AND kiss them hello.
Love Languages and Conflict Resolution
Understanding love languages is especially important during disagreements. When you're upset with your partner, you might withhold their love language—either consciously or unconsciously. If their love language is physical touch, you might pull away. If it's words of affirmation, you might go silent.
Recognising this pattern helps you fight fair. Even when you're angry, try to maintain some expression of love in their language. It doesn't mean you're not addressing the issue—it means you're committed to loving them even through conflict.
Beyond the Five: Secondary Love Languages
Most people have a primary love language, but you likely respond to others as well. Your partner doesn't have to exclusively speak your primary language—a mix of all five is ideal. The key is making sure your primary language gets the most attention.
Final Thoughts
Learning the Five Love Languages before marriage is like getting a roadmap for your relationship. It helps you understand how to love your partner in ways that truly resonate with them, and it helps you communicate your own needs more effectively.
Marriage is a lifelong journey of learning to love each other better. Understanding love languages gives you a head start on that journey, helping you build a foundation of connection, understanding, and intentional love.
So take the quiz, have the conversation, and start practicing. Your future marriage will thank you for it.
Planning your wedding and building your future together? Our little white book wedding planner includes space to document your love languages, record meaningful moments in your 'our love story' section, and use the anniversary journal to keep checking in on how you're loving each other well year after year.