Early Pregnancy Loss | “Things are allowed to be private, it doesn’t make them a secret”
Pregnancy Journal
We had the honour of interviewing this brave wahine to have a kōrero about her journey trying to conceive, early pregnancy loss, and healing. We know this will help so many parents who are hoping for a baby, especially those navigating the emotional whiplash of a positive test followed by silence.
“It’s not a bad life, just a bad day – or sometimes days.”
Your Family
My partner and I are both Māori and live in Queensland, Australia. We have one fur baby, an English bulldog. I’m 35, almost 36, and my partner is in his early 40s. Neither of us have children from previous relationships.
Relationship
How did you and your partner first meet?
We met on Tinder and almost two years on, here we are. My partner has always wanted children. He has 13 brothers and sisters. I have a much more modest three.
I had been single for a really long time and had actually decided I didn’t want children. But then once we got together, it was him that said he wanted my babies… bless him. It took me a little while to come to terms with being a mama, as I have an incredibly strained / non-existent relationship with my mother and that held some trauma for me.
I’d also lost a lot of weight, so I didn’t want to go backwards in that journey so to speak. But funnily enough, I am one of the most maternal people you’ll ever meet, and I adore children.
When did you start talking about having children?
The time came to have my Mirena removed and we spoke about if it happened, it happened. But having been on birth control for a number of years (aka 22 years), we knew my body might take some time.
I also have mild PCOS and have had Endo since I was 14, so I wasn’t sure if we could even go natural trying to conceive. So we decided to give it a year and see where we ended up.
Journey to Conceive
Tell us about your journey to conceive the first time
I had initially thought we’d conceived around Christmas Day, but I think it was more towards the 2nd week in January. I realised I didn’t get a period in Feb but had had Covid, so thought it was a side effect.
It wasn’t until the smell of coffee and bacon made me want to hurl that I thought I might be. And also my dog, she would not leave me alone.
I took a test the morning of the 25th of February and it was positive. Solid lines. I couldn’t get in to see my doctor until the 2nd of March and then had an ultrasound and bloods booked in for the next day. I couldn’t believe I could get in that fast. I actually took my cousin to the appointment as it was too short notice for my partner to get the day off.
Miscarriage
We went and had the ultrasound first and the lady was a trainee, and told me that she was just having trouble, and it could be too early for a heartbeat. That then led to a senior sonographer coming in.
That’s when they told me there was nothing, no sac. Nothing. I had bloods, and they came back to say my HCG levels were also very low.
They used the term “early pregnancy loss”, which is when you miscarry in the first five weeks. It was so strange because I still hated bacon and felt very nauseous, which they said can happen.
I had never heard of EPL, didn’t even know it was a thing. But it is. It’s also very, very common. But lots of women don’t talk about it as they feel it wasn’t “real enough”.
I felt like I’d failed us, as a couple and a team. I’d let us down. My body wasn’t doing what it was designed to do. Why couldn’t it?
My lifelong friends and the whānau I am closest to live at home in NZ, so I also felt incredibly isolated. Not many of my friends here understood, and many were probably a bit whimsical in the fact that it was “so early”.
Were there any signs before miscarrying?
I’d had some feeling of heaviness, and I had a day where I bled in early Feb, but it was what I thought was me trying to have a period after Covid and was next to nothing, so didn’t take any notice. I also didn’t know I was pregnant at the time.
The period I experienced in March was horrendous. Like out-of-the-gate awful. I’ve had some tough periods in my time, but this took the cake, and I almost thought I should go to the hospital. But I didn’t. Again I felt like it was my body getting rid of everything and telling me that it was over.
How She Coped
How have you coped with your loss?
I think for me, coming home helped. We booked a holiday for the first two weeks of May. I brought my tests home and planted them in our cemetery with my grandparents to help, I guess, close the chapter.
My partner asked if we could try again and I said it was on our holiday that we could “try” and be more intentional with conceiving. But he also knows that it’s a big thing for me now. I don’t want to let us down.
Reading, journalling and cleaning are my coping mechanisms.
I have also just signed up to do an eight-week fitness challenge, to fall back in love with my body and to get her to do all the healthy things she needs to give us the best possible chance.
Advice and Reflection
What has been some of the best advice you have received?
The best advice I’ve received was making sure I’d recognised my traumas so I was aware. I never wanted to be a vessel that carried trauma to the next generation.
We both want to bring a child into the world that only knows love.
Also, that it wasn’t my fault. I didn’t fail.
And the worst?
The worst were: “It’s ok, it wasn’t a baby”, “It happens to everyone”, “Don’t want it so much and it will happen”, “Lose weight, it’ll help”.
This stuff is not talked about enough. People don’t understand and they don’t know what to say to be supportive. If you can explain to them how you feel and what you need, it can make it easier for them and for you.
Tips for Parents Struggling to Conceive
- Communicate with your partner. Talk about your fears of conceiving and also becoming a parent.
- Have goals outside of conceiving. We found planning our holiday and making plans each month helped.
- Understand everyone else is not you, or your partner, or your sex life.
- Take breaks from social media when you need to.
- Find coping tools that help you return to yourself, even briefly: journalling, movement, fresh air, cleaning, reading.
Things are allowed to be private. It doesn’t make them a secret.
You may also like
- Miscarriage at 11 Weeks, Now Pregnant with a Rainbow Baby
- 20 Weeks Pregnant After Miscarriage
- 7 Weeks Pregnant – Growing Family
- 18 Weeks Pregnant – Feeling Low
Want to Record Your Own Story?
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If you’d like to share your story anonymously, email us at megan@forgetmenotjournals.com.